My Parents Went To Hawaii and All I Got Was This Crappy Post

Mom called me the night before last to assure me that she and Dad had made it safely to Maui. I pretended to be all blasé and “how nice for you” about it but; you know I was begging her not to forget to bring me bring me chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a grass skirt before the call was over.

I’m not jealous, though.

My mom retired from her job as an office manager at the end of August, thus ending twenty-some odd years of indentured servitude so, I think she deserved a vacation. My dad has been retired for a number of years now and, while I guess he also deserved a vacation and was looking forward to it; I think he is most excited about having someone to keep him company while he sits around the house doing nothing the rest of the time.

You know, as retired people do.

This will be the third time my parents have visited the islands together. The first time, they got caught in a hurricane and, the second time; they took my younger sister and me along with them. Hopefully, the third time will be a charm and they will actually be able to enjoy the trip.

I’m kidding, of course. Obviously, there is no possible way that they could have as much fun this time as we had when we all went together because I’m not there to mercilessly tease my mother about every sentence that comes out of her mouth. Or, to torment her with my embarrassment every time my younger sister tries to get out of on the elevator on the wrong floor and my mother throws her arms open to prevent the doors from closing, thus clothes-lining the tiny Asian woman behind her; the tiny Asian woman who was just trying to reave the eravator, you crazy rady! Plus, what fun is a vacation without my succinct-and LOUD- diagnosis of elephantigo; screamed in the Honolulu airport upon the discovery that her knee-high stockings have slipped down her calves and settled into a flesh-colored puddle around the tops of her shoes? Not fun. Not fun at all.

(On a side note; I do believe I have pinpointed the exact moment in time when Karma said, Oh, snap! I’ll be seeing you in twenty years, six months and three days. Just so you recognize me; I’ll be in the form of a pre-teen. See you then!)

Ah, well.

I guess they’ll just have to make their own fun or, you know; do the usual boring touristy things like sunning themselves on the beach while sipping a fruity drink with an umbrella stirrer... snorkling among colorful fish.... taking in a luau while the sun sinks gently into the Pacific, trailing a vibrant wash of purple and orange in its' wake....yuck!

I’m telling you; I almost feel sorry for them.

Not. Jealous. At. All.